You see, once you become a king, the attraction of slicing out a little more land for your realm becomes not merely obvious, but pretty damned urgent. Or, at least, I didn't get it, until I played Total War: Attila for a few hours.

They get to enjoy the obeisance of nobles and courtiers, can turn their power to building great churches, formulating the basis of law and order, dabbling in the pleasures of prancing courtesans.īut what do we find them doing? Clomping around in muddy fields making a lot of noise about glorious feats, swinging claymores at foreigners and wading through the dreadful gore of comrades.

Like, they own a massive chunk of Europe. We'll go see a few medieval kings and ask them a simple question, one that they probably haven't heard before: Why the hell can't you guys just chill out and relax and stop invading each other? Once my time machine is properly operational, you and I are going to jump in and take a little trip.